Quads. Part 1 of 4

Round 1
Lamb of God vs. Rage Against the Machine


Without much fanfare Lamb of God arrive from their plane ride from Virginia just before Rage Against the Machine from the opposite direction on this lonely stretch of highway somewhere in Iowa. The odds are in and they are at a dead heat; Rage is known for their extremely energetic live shows and activism, whereas LoG is known for instigating the “Wall of Death” at their concerts quite often. The Wall of death is essentially when two groups of people run at each other at a dead ass sprint kinda like Braveheart but without any swords and people get f'd up. Anyways, Rage is followed by their large group of fans that much to the disdain of Zach de la Rocha, are carrying large signs with phrases like “Don’t be calm like a bomb” and “Rollin down Rodeo with a shotgun”. They're excited.

With the large influx of people (about 45) the police are alerted to the throw down and show up in full force. They immediately fire several rounds of teargas into the arena which manages to disperse most of the crowd right away. As the members of Rage gather for another round of fighting they find that the members of LoG are laying motionless on the ground. After a quick check of their vital signs, it is determined that they are all dead. After a quick check on Wikipedia on someones blackberry, it is discovered that they all happened to be deathly allergic to teargas. Weak…


WINNER - Rage Against the Machine.




Round 1
Andrew Bird vs. Death From Above 1979



This battle was quite hard to facilitate to be honest. Death From Above 1979 have been broken up for about two years and they haven’t been on the best of terms since that time. Thankfully Canada is a big country without very many people so they’ve been able to avoid each other until this moment in time (power trip for me). As it is a two on one fight, the members of DFA1979, Jesse F. Keller and Sebastian Grainger, agree to fight with one leg tied to each other in the style of a three legged race. The location of the fight today is on a drifting glacier in the mid Atlantic because, hey, why not.

Just as the fight begins, Andrew Bird makes a quick lunge to the shoulder of Keller in an attempt to knock him off balance and onto the ice. Didn’t work. Grainger grabs the hair of the stunned Bird and throws him to the ground with a deafening thud. Trust me, it was deafening. As Andrew is shaking out the cobwebs the duo from Canada start to advance on the downed singer-songwriter in an attempt to end the match as quickly as possible, but their lack of communication is becoming apparent. They can’t seem to find any rhythm while trying to walk over due to their legs being tied together and this quickly escalatdes to name calling and then shoving. All hell breaks loose and they completely forget that they are even fighting another human being and begin beating the piss out of each other. I mean bad. Soon they both decide that the other persons neck looked a little lonely so each went for a death-grab of each others throats. After a minute and a half of this they both pass out from lack of oxygen and Andrew Bird gingerly slides their passed out bodies into the water.


WINNER - Andrew Bird.