Quads. Part 3 of 4

Round 1
Bob Dylan vs. Nine Inch Nails




Two men, each kings of their genres (folk and industrial rock) are ready for fight for their lives today. Bob Dylan, who’s raspy voiced songs has been anthems for generations of people, has seen it all and done it all… everything except kill a man for sport. The bloodlust is shared by Trent Reznor who is the only permanent member, and until recently, only writer for the band Nine Inch Nails. Even though both musicians are often accompanied by backing members either in the studio or on concert, this will be a good old fashioned one on one fight. The location for today’s fight is a quiet library on a Sunday afternoon.

Bob Dylan shows up an hour and a half early because he managed to make really good time on the highway by managing to avoid most of the traffic using a Tom Tom. As he is waiting, he takes out an old acoustic guitar and plays some of his better known songs in the corner of the library and within minutes a crowd of about 30 have gathered and listen to the music being played. Reznor arrives right on time and without an entourage, enters through the side door. The two musicians meet and shake hands while words of luck and praise are passed to one another. A bell tower rings in the distance… its killing time. Bob makes the first move as he darts in with an old bat used by one of his roadies for “hippie crushing” and instead of landing a hit on his intended target, Reznor’s face, he connects with his shoulder. Normally such a blow wouldn’t do too much, but because it is a hippie crusher Trent falls to his knees in agony. Reznor has been singing sad, sad songs that are angst filled for years which allows him to simply regain his composure and rises to his feet. Trent grabs an encyclopedia on Film and television from the reference area and sends it flying across the library smoking Bob in the stomach. From the looks of Bob’s face, it friggin’ hurts like hell as the words of Pulp Fiction and Arrested Development crush his duodenum and part of his pancreas. However, this 66 year old isn’t going out with a whimper and with a look of intimidation that would make most men soil themselves he promptly grabs the encyclopedia and eats it. Yep, he eats it. Reznor is dumbfounded and deservingly so. “Did he just eat a fucking book?” is heard from beside a periodical shelf by an onlooker. Trent in a panicked horror reaches into his back pocket and pulls out an old rusty razorblade (zing!) and starts making defensive slashes thought the air in an attempt to stave off Dylan, who Popeye style, got jacked all of the sudden. Dylan grabs the blade out of the air in mid-swing and with a zeal only known to someone who can play the harmonica and guitar at the same time slices Trent in 17 different places.
WINNER – Bob Dylan

Round 1
Radiohead vs. Silversun Pickups



Silversun Pickups are a four-piece indie rock band from the city of Los Angeles. They are most defiantly a band on the rise and their success in the music business is just coming to fruition. Their success in the act of murder however, has yet to be seen but from the looks of them, they look quite confident. None of them are known so much for being especially badass or willing to fashion a shiv out of a keyboard and some fishing line, but that’s beside the point. Silversun Pickups are here to surprise the killing community and they don’t plan on going home losers (which brings up the question, will their bodies make it home if they lose, or will they be taken by onlookers and sold on eBay… time will tell). Radiohead, need no introduction. The location for today’s brawl is in Alaska, on the abandoned government base Shadow Moses.

The fighters enter the ruins of the compound with one thing on all their minds… blood. Luckily, the conditions are quite nice today and the possibilities of hypothermia or frost bite are slim. That said, there is little chance that that is the biggest worry on anybody’s mind today. As the bands line up in the middle to shake hands, Radiohead, being the Englishmen that they are, psych out their opponents and pull out from their pockets freshly deep-fried fish and chips and throw it into the members of SSPU’s eyes. Momentary blindness overtakes the members of SSPU and in the short time span needed to remove fish residue from their face Radiohead have already put their second phase into motion. In 20 seconds time Jonny Greenwood and Thom Yorke managed to assemble part of the wreckage of Metal Gear Rex’s rail gun which is turned on vocalist Brian Aubert and Bassist Nikki Monninger. All that’s left after the fired shot is a little bit of wasted potential which is promptly scraped from the shoes of Ed O’Brien and Colin Greenwood as they advance on the other members of SSPU. Instead of facing the god-awful death that would have came at the hands of Radiohead, remaining members Joe Lester and Christopher Guanlao decide to take their own lives by jumping into the icy water of the Pacific.

The cold doesn’t take them nearly as fast as they were planning and by that time the rest of Metal Gear Rex had been reassembled and they are promptly wiped form the face of the earth. Fin.

WINNER - Radiohead