Quads. Part 4 of 4

Round 1

As I Lay Dying vs. Black Label Society



All five members of As I Lay Dying show up to the Battle of the Bands arena (the vacant lot behind Super America) about 10 minutes early by mistake because traffic was lighter than expected. The Christian metal-core group, though heavily tattooed, are viewed as an underdog due to their Christian roots and their love thy brother mentality, but they appear to be ready for the job at hand. After waiting around for just over an hour, Zakk Wylde shows up by himself with his signature guitar INSERT GUITAR and half empty bottle of Johnny Walker Black label in hand. He’s clearly shit tanked. From his stammering, we’re able to deduce that he is being followed by “the feds” and he’s gotta’ wrap this up quick. When asked where his band is he keeps repeating “fuckin’ feds, man”.



Just as the rules are agreed upon the members of As I Lay Dying decide to put in a quick prayer for good luck and safety. Zakk must have mistaken their prayers for fighting words and in a drunken rage he breaks the bottle of Johnny Walker on the second member of AILD’s face he connects with. In the confusion that followed Zakk took a thrown rock about the size of at large grapefruit to the small of his back which appeared to only sober him up enough to remember he was fighting for keeps. He soon walked over to the three remaining members of AILD and with a small shiv fashioned from what was left of Ozzy’s credibility went into slice and dice mode. As the singer of As I Lay Dying was lying on the ground dying from 14 stab wounds, Zakk rose victorious and staggered back to the taxi that had brought him.

We still haven’t heard from the rest of BLS...

WINNER - Black Label Society

Round 1

Psychostick vs. Nuclear Balloon Arrows


This truly is a fight of the unknowns in more ways than one. Psychostick, bamf’s from Phoenix are known for their original mix of comedy and metal-core (and even released a Christmas album) in a way that the earth has never seen before. They may make you laugh with their lyrics, but from what they’ve been saying on message boards they’re ready to make NBA never laugh again. This is not to say that Nuclear balloon Arrows are something to be messed around with though. If there is one thing that the Brainerd lakes area is known for other than meth and 3 dollar prostitutes, it’s their avant-garde comedy album scene which has been fronted by NBA for years now. Though multiple lineup changes have taken place due to a loss of interest, too much schoolwork, and becoming babies daddies, NBA has been helmed by the one two dynamic duo of Max Kuehn and Kurt Hukriede. The location for today’s fight is the middle of the Atacama Desert.

True to their word, the entire band of Psychostick (all 5 of them) show up tanked to the battlefield of sand and well,… more sand. They seem to be living out their songs “Beer” and “The Jagermeister Love Song” and they when I say tanked, I’m being generous. At best, each member will make it about 3 or 4 steps before falling over. Yeah, that bad. However, NBA show up 10 minutes late to the festival of doom which happens to be just enough time to sober everyone up. Because it has never rained in the Atacama desert, Psychostick’s constant falling down allowed the sand to absorb all of the Alcohol in their bloodstream (Science dude, trust me). Only Max and Kurt show up to this rumble and they seem to be just fine with that. Just as the fight begins Max starts throwing around diss’ and spitting hot fire in a way that only the Globetrotters have been able to master. From this constant and painful reticule, The singer of Psychostick, Rawrb, loses his will to live and runs neck first into a machete that Kurt had somehow anticipated he would need (teamwork I’m guessing) and was at the time holding out. Needless to say, the other members of Psychostick are freaked out. Instead of running away, the members of Psychostick decide to bring the heat. Joshua "The J" Key and Alex "Shmalex" Preiss pull out ball peen hammers while the two remaining members, Jimmy Grant and Jake whip out bandanas soaked in chloroform. Joshua and Alex start winding up for a crushing blow in Kurt when out of the darkness (I forgot to say this takes place at midnight), Josh Johnson, riding a glorious white horse comes outta the abyss and promptly crushes those two bitches to death under a ton of horse hoof. I would like to say that they died quickly but I don’t want to lie to you guys. It was horrible, they were conscious the whole time and all you could hear was a sound that resembled when angels cry. Seeing this, Jimmy Grant decides that he is alright being a coward and decides to book it into the distance, but Kurt sees what’s coming and throws the machete boomerang style slicing him in two (it’s a big machete) and on the rebound catching him one more time just for the fuck of it. Cold blooded. Jake, the last member of Psychostick to breath air on god’s earth decides to make his death painless and starts a huffin’ on that chloroform rag and within seconds he’s out. The English language cannot describe the death he suffered, but I’m sure if I learned how to speak Klingon, I could, but I’m not going to.

WINNER – Nuclear Balloon Arrows