Semifinals Part 1 of 2

Round 2 (finally)

Black Label Society vs. Rage Against The Machine



The battle of the bands have been suspended for the past few months because of the difficulty in finding where the hell Zakk Wylde went after his previous fight. It was discovered that his band mates were unable to be found because they were doing a gig in a prison in New Jersey similar to what Johnny Cash did, but were mistaken for prisoners because of all their tattoos and beards. They’ve been in the hole for the past 4 months for, “back talk” and, “touching” after repeatedly being told, “No touching”. Instead of having both bands meet at a designated site to fight, it has been determined that it would be much easier to just have Rage meet up wherever Wylde is because it would be impossible the other way around. That said, the location for today’s fight is an abandoned playground near Chernobyl.

Zach de la Rocha and Tom Morello decide that they are going to try to sit this fight out in order to save themselves for the next round because they are quite confident in their “BAMF” abilities and decide to watch from a safe distance. This only takes place because of the insistences of drummer Brad Wilk and bassist Tim Commerford who think they are ready to go to work on a stammering Zakk Wylde attempting to fit into a child swing set. Instead of just hitting him in the back of the head with a brick or one of the dirty needles littering the playground, Wilk and Commerford decide to toy with Wylde and begin pushing him on the swing in an attempt to make him sick and just pass out thereby avoiding a lot of conflict. Well, instead of making him pass out, the pushing just manages to get Wylde to come to his senses (at least to one of them if blind rage counts as a sense) and he begins thrashing around in the swing set causing it to buckle under the stress. One of the poles that support the swing set bursts free and impales Wilk in the thigh in a freak accident that you would only encounter in the Ukraine. With Wilk pinned to the ground and quickly bleeding out Tim Commerford decides that he needs to get to work and grabs Zakk by the collar and begins head butting him repeatedly. This goes on for a solid 45 seconds until Commerford falls over due to auto-blunt force trauma to his forehead and slumps to the ground.

Zach de la Rocha and Tom Morello see what’s happening and realize they need to step in but soon realize they can’t. They were watching from too safe a distance and the picnic table that they were sitting on and watching from was in fact a giant spent fuel rods that were removed from the power plant. Shitty, right? Well anyways, radiation sickness takes hold and both are dead within 4 minutes.

WINNER - Black Label Society


Round 2

Muse vs. Radiohead



This is the fight for the United Kingdom. Both bands have earned quite a reputation and are known for their ability to rock the fuck out. For years though, there has been criticism of Muse for being Radiohead knockoffs and they aim to put that to rest today because they’re hoping that there will no Radiohead to knockoff. On the other side of the fight, Radiohead have proven to be industry pioneers for years now and figure that adding another count of murder by duel would be a hell of a way to blaze some new trails. The location of today’s battle is Stonehenge.

Both bands meet up on time at the ancient site and agree to shake hands on the understanding that whoever wins has to hold a bad ass concert that night at Stonehenge just for the sake of playing a concert at Stonehenge. This ends up being such a great idea in the members of Muse’s eyes that they decide they really want to play there that night and release it as a sequel to their last live album H.A.A.R.P. Once both bands walk to their side of the circle inside Stonehenge, Matthew Bellamy and bassist Christopher Wolstenholme pull out their Tec 9’s and shoot Radiohead right there.

WINNER - Muse