Tea Update

At some point between cups 5 and 6 I realized I had made a huge mistake drinking so much tea. Yeah, I was more or less in a caffeine coma for a while last night, but the good news is that everything up to the 5th cup was delicious. Drank the shit out of my Dragonwell (green tea) and Darjeeling Sungma, Earl Grey, and Irish Breakfast (all black). It was when I tried to drink my second cup of Earl Grey that I realized I had no self control and hated myself for it. Oh boy. How do you detox yourself from something that's loaded with antioxidants?

Somebody had to do it

Last night I entered a four team case race knowing that there could only be one winner and three losers. I knew that my specialty has never been drinking mass quantities of liquid quickly. I knew that my competitors had more experience at this than I did.

I also knew that there was once a man named John Rambo and he faced odds that were just about on par with the ones I was facing and that game me some solace. I also knew that I had to step up and be a man and that's just what I did. I ran train and won and I did it the fair way (I didn't hide any of the competitors cans under the furnace or soaking with some spent Uranium rods).

The best part is that I feel like a champion today and nothing can take that away from me. I guess it was also nice that I didn't freeze to death last night. that's another plus

Douse Basketballs in Gasoline

I had a nice Friday night. The Brainerd football team was in Moorhead (which incidental is where my college, Concordia College, is. Who knew) so I got a call from Nick asking if I want to check the game so I did just that.

When I got there, it was already midway through the first quarter and the score was tied with 7. Eventually we ended up winning, but that'll be the extent that I will talk about the game itself because that's not what this post is about.

While I was there I ran into quite a few people from Brainerd including smitty, Phil, Hummer, and of course Nick. I've gotta take a quick detour to congratulate Nick because he gave himself a full blown mullet on Monday and this was the first time I saw him since then. A full blown mullet. Props dude.

Anyways that's still not the real reason I wanted to make this post even though that was a highlight. There were quite a few mosquitoes at the game ( There were actually more than I've seen all summer which is odd because I would have thought they would have all died seeing as how it's late September now, but I digress) which caused everyone I was sitting with to get rather disinterested with the game by the time the 2nd quarter was almost over.

Everyone except for Hummer.

Hummer was anticipating the half to end not so he could get to his car and drive away in his cowboy boots, no, it was so he could talk to Chet. Yes, the legendary Chet that acts as a muse for Nuclear Balloon Arrows and The Cafe Coronaries. With less that a minute left, he positioned himself close enough to the sidelines where the teams leave to go to the locker rooms so that he was well within earshot of Chet once he began the trek himself. I was wondering why it was Hummer looked so excited to see this man. The answer came to light and erased the enigma that had plagued me for all of 45 seconds.

It was a lifting guide. Yep, a lifting guide. And not just one, but two "In case you get a friend to come along". I suppose I should mention that I've found out that Hummer has been using Prohormone which is the closest thing a person can get to taking full blown steroids without getting into the sticky situation of using drugs that are banned from nearly all forms of competition due to a vast array of side effects that quite frankly aren't too super. The funny thing about prohormones is that they happen to cause many of the same side effects that are apparent in steroids. "Some side effects are acne, hair loss, breast tissue enlargement, and prostate swelling."

Sweet.

You Were An Experiment

Suck it Bitches, Check what I did on Friday night.




As a side note, it works like a charm although I had a hangover that lasted all of Saturday.

Plus, Dry ice costs about a buck fifty a pound and is ridiculously fun to play with.

It Doesn't End

I found this guy when I was killing time today after class.

Just check it out and reply after an hour of playing.

p.s. Does anyone listen to Godspeed You! Black Emperor?

WTF?

I think I've got mild shin splints because my bag was so heavy today. I say again, WTF? What does it say about a person who's 18 years old and is mildly disabled from walking around campus? wow... Thank Jesus(I'm pronouncing it with a soft J from now on) for pain killers.

I completely forgot how much I walk while in college because of all the "sloth-like" things I did during break.

Cancer says what?

Concordia College may just be a small Lutheran college in northwest Minnesota, but it is still full of many a rich traditions. Take for instance in the first week of school all incoming Freshman are required to wear yellow "beanies" to create some comradery (and allow for easier selection of hazing victims). There is also the assumption that if you walk under the bell tower alone you're doomed to never get married and live the rest of your days in squalor and more than likely a puddle of your own tears.

There is one more tradition that I had the pleasure of partaking in this evening and it was a hoot. It's known as "Smoking Away The Semester" and it consists of anybody and everybody that wants to grab a cigar and light up just outside the main doors. A nice sized crowd of about 30 or so people were huddled just outside the Erickson concourse, in true Lutheran fashion, smoking up a storm.

I had been confused about what night it was going to be on and I had assumed that it was to happen Thursday night so to my surprise when I got done taking a Spanish 111 final and saw Ellens and Darin with cigars in hand I knew I had made a terrible mistake. I jumped into my car and drove down main street and stopped at the local (there are 3 in a mile and a half radius of Concordia and MSUM) head shop "Mellow Moods" and bought myself a nice fat grape flavored Phillies Blunt for $1.25 which more than likely would have faced a very different fate if it had been bought by anyone else at the store.


With cigar in hand I dashed back to my dorm to grab my zippo that had been engraved with the Jegermeister and Bacardi 151 logos (thanks troy), but to my horror there wasn't a drop of fluid in the lighter. What's a boy to do? Well thanks to Chemistry and having lived in Crosby for about two years I knew that alcohol over 100 proof will light the fuck on fire if given a spark or a flame. Low and behold I had remembered that when Bob Lee came up a few weekends ago he had been nice enough to bestow upon me about 1/4 of a liter of Everclear which I had been trying to drink for the past week, but fuck dude... that shit is intense. Anyways I put 2 and 2 together to get 5 and filled up the Jegermeister Zippo with Everclear and what do you know? It lit up.

After all that tribulation I rushed down to the group of studious smokers and lit up... It was cold and I'm not a big fan on cigars, but you know what? It was a good time.

Highlights...

I had a certain satisfaction helping my RA light up his cigar with my everclear lighter and at one point he asked what kind of fluid I was using because the flame was a deep orange/blue flame that was nearly transparent. I told him it was Zippo brand.

Dude #1 - " I smell marijuana. Which one of you bastards are smoking marijuana?"
Dude #2 - "Dude, you are"
Dude #1 - "Oh yeah, that's right. What the fuck happened to my short-term memory?" followed by a fit of lighthearted giggles.

Dude #3 - "Man, I've got a solid buzz going right now."
Dude #4 - "That's probably the acid I dipped your cigar in the other day kicking in."
(Look of sheer panic on Dude #3's face)
Dude #4 - "Nah man, Just playin'"

For the future Vietnam vets out there.

For anyone who knows me or even knows of me, it's understood that I treat my liver the way an alcoholic abusive father treats his child who can't quite throw a football well enough to make it on the varsity team. So I smack it around a little to show who's who every now and again just to remind it who's boss.



With that I'll begin a series of articles based on my experiences with all things god awful for my body as well as some reviews and best of lists.



For this inaugural booze post, I'll begin with the non ivy league college student/common bum selection of booze that gets the job done with as small a dent to your wallet as possible while at the same time creating countless holes in your liver.



1. Karkov - With the name Karkov, one imagines the excellence of centuries of tradition from Russian distillers (or at least one of the former soviet block nations) that craft a clean, refreshing vodka with little bite. Well, that's bullshit. This beauty is created in the small town of Princeton, MN and gee wiz is it god fucking awful. The $12.95 for a 1.75L is a good indicator of the amount of pain you'll endure trying to take a strait shot or even drinking a mixed drink of it. But hey, it'll get you drunk

Best experience: I once saw someone throw up just from smelling the bottle... true story.



2. Ron Diaz - Ron Diaz has always held a little place in my heart because it was the first spiced rum I had ever had (nearly vomited myself into oblivion that night). For the price of $15.00 for a 1.75L it is actually a great buy as it mixes quite well with just about anything and I'm not even kidding. It works well with Dr. Pepper, cola, bleach, and even sprite. It actually has a hint of a fruity flavor lurking just below the harsh kerosene taste (trust me, it's there) and that helps to keep it down after a night of trying to repress memories from last summer.

Best experience: Too many to count.



3. Windsor - This beauty is from the fine folks at Princeton, Minnesota and it's a Canadian Whisky (trust me on this one). All I'm going to say about it is to just not drink it.

Best experience: Best?



So yeah, if you ever want to have fun at a party for a reasonable price or want to stop whatever screaming you have going on inside your head for just a few minutes, this is what you want to go with. Just a heads up - this shit will make you grimace.