Round 1Queens of the Stone Age vs. The Offspring
Two bands hailing from California are ready to brawl tonight. Queens of the Stone Age, led by Josh Homme, are the kings of the desert with their music being influenced quite heavily by drugs and to a lesser degree, a love of music are ready to throw some shit down. On the flipside The Offspring, who are known for their pop-punk prowess and infections singles, come from Huntington beach and though aging, appear to be in decent shape considering they’ve been touring nonstop for the past 18 years. The location of tonight’s fight is a methadone clinic in the south side of Philly.
As the bell ring for the battle to begin, it is quite clear that Homme and company are battling a wicked hangover from a night of partying that would make any 12 step program cry. That fact seems to be regardless as Homme takes the first swing to get the fighting started and lands a solid blow on guitarist Noodles (that’s his name). As the oldest member of the Offspring, time has clearly had it’s way with his now frail body and the act of a haymaker essentially knocks him the fuck out. As the other members of the Offspring see his unconscious body hit the ground, they quickly grab a handful of centrum silver and swallow the bastards in a hasty effort to avoid any broken bones. As they’re doing this the bassist from each band Greg K. from the Offspring and Michael Shuman from QOTSA grab some of the heroin addicts needles as they enter the clinic and start knife fighting with dirty, dirty junkie needles. It’s a sight for the ages. As this is happening the members of QOTSA aren’t having any of this and quickly pounce on the opportunity, by blocking all of the sources of water, which in effect leaves the Offspring with a throat full of bad tasting pills. After 3 minutes of needle fights and the coverings of the centrum silver dissolving, the Offspring are clearly in trouble. Bassist Greg K. has received multiple dirty stabs to the abdomen and his arms contracting a slurry of diseases, most not known to man. New drummer Pete Parada is starting to overdose and suffocate from all the vitamins lodged in his throat and he promptly passes out turning
a shade of blue reminiscent of internet links INSERT LINK. Offspring singer Dexter Holland won’t go down without a fight and comes out swinging. The lifetime of touring, partying, and power cords end up being his ultimate downfall. As he is taking his final swing at Homme, his heart explodes from exhaustion and the fight ends in a whimper. The junkies make quick work of all of their shoes and wallets as is the way of nature and the way of life.
WINNER - Queens of the Stone Age
Round 1
The Killers vs. Muse
The question for this fight is who will win; A band that had strong British influences early in their career, or A band that is strait outta’ the U.K.? Muse isn’t too worried about being down one man, because they don’t give a shit. As for The Killers, they believe that their experiences in and around the seedy underbelly of Las Vegas is all they need to come out on top. One thing is for sure… There will be a winner of the synth’s one by the end of this contest. The location for this fight chosen is Red Square as it is neutral ground. Plus it’s pretty friggin’ epic having a fight next to the Kremlin.
Right before the fight begins, a few words are exchanged between the drummers about their mothers which acts as the sounding bell for doom. Dave Keuning, The guitarist of the Killers, and Dominic Howard, drummer for Muse, start the scuffle with a combination of drum stick gouging and attempted strangulation. Across the square a child cries. Due to Matthew Bellamy’s years of playing piano, he has developed dexterity far beyond anyone else at the fight and he implements that into some sick ass knife tricks. While one member of the Killers, Bassist Mark Stoermer, is busy watching the knife he doesn’t notice the knife somehow made it into his neck and he takes a swan dive onto the streets of red square. Now that red square is a little redder. By now the fight has gone on for roughly a half hour and both bands are quite tired (or in the case of Stroermer, dead) so they decide to take a five minute break to “catch their breaths”. As they’re all waiting around for something to happen Bellamy rigged up a small grenade from a stack of index cards, an apple, and a drop of child’s tear. By the time the members of The Killers realize what’s going on, it’s too late. To be honest, there was nothing left of them other than their memory after the street sweepers finished their work.
WINNER - Muse
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